I don't really feel like reading news stories today, so I'm just gonna make some shit up and assume I know what a story is about by reading the headlines.

Mandela Joins Stars at London Gig:
Ok, so a bunch of celebrities got together to celebrate Nelson Mandela's birthday. Yay! You're old and haven't died/been killed/assassinated by white trash! Congrats Mandela! What better way to fight injustice than have a HUGE PARTY! The president probably wasn't invited, because I'm sure his dad had some major money in Apartheid or something.
At this party, Mandela probably said something like, "we're doing well, but we probably can be doing more! I'm looking at you, UK!


US Body Snatch Mastermind Jailed:
This is probably about some loser old white guy in Big City USA who was in some profession where he was in a position to be alone with small white women and he took them and raped them and held them against their will and blah blah blah... I've gotta say that something like this happens like 50 times a year and people are still super surprised when some nasty old white guy takes a bunch or girls and rapes them or holds them for ransom or whatever. We should just cage all the white guys. Problem solved! I just saved the world, on to the next one.

Widespread HIV Testing Sought in the Bronx:
Ok, so everyone knows that all black people have AIDS. Or, as it should be called, The GRID. So what better place to test for The GRID than in the one place where all black people live? I mean, think about it. Just like everyone knows black people all have The GRID, everyone also knows that black people live in only 3 places in the world: Akifra, South Chicago, and the Bronx. So, all the testers are doing is just going out into the streets (bulletproof vests are MANDATORY) and handing out HIV meds and tests to everyone they see. So, if all of the sudden half of the people in the Bronx die, they know that the meds didn't work. However, if the meds did work and half of the people in the Bronx are suddenly cured of all GRID-like symptoms, then the testers know two things: First that the meds work to give to everyone else, and Second, that the government needs to carpet bomb the Bronx because although their experiment succeeded, it also failed at the same time.

This probably made no sense. I should stop doing this so late at night so it will make sense one time.